Last week

Like every blogger I will now lament how I have no time for blogging as I am so busy. I'll try to sum up the last week. 

We are currently almost 23 weeks pregnant. Last week I was noticing that Wife has been perpetually cranky and uncomfortable and in general acting like most women I know in their 9th month.  This by itself is enough to strike fear in my heart. We're only a little more than halfway there!! But I was also noticing that she's starting to LOOK almost 9 months pregnant! And it prompted me to measure her belly. It's been about a month since our last OB visit so she's dropped quite a bit since then.

Survey says: 34cm which equals 34 weeks! Holy smokes!! No wonder she feels uncomfortable she's basically 7.5-8months pregnant in size!  

I'm so screwed..

Last week I was also able to sneak Wife into work and get a few more pics. Mainly we measure heads and bellies to make sure everyone is growing at the same speed and they are looking good!!

I've been spending a few minutes here and there working on the nursery. It looks so freaking AWESOME!! If I do say so myself!  

Here is the progress so far:

It's a really cool room. I know. 

Yes we have picked out baby names. We've actually had them picked out for some time. But, like everything else I want to wait and Wife wants to tell the world. 

I'm just used to finding out baby names, even family names, when the baby is born, or on the birth announcement. It seems like everything else these days. Nothing is private. Everyone wants to know EVERY little detail about your private life. I've had people asking me for MONTHS already if we've picked names and I just wonder. "I don't even know you that well, why do I need to tell you right now". Also no one is ever happy with what you pick. We've told about 5 people and almost every single one of them has been like,

"Oh" crest fallen face 

To which I ponder..."were you expecting your name perhaps?"

Or "I thought you were having girls?"

To which I respond "you haven't known girls with names X &Y?" To which they respond 

"Well, ya"

So what's the problem?!

And besides THEY ARE MY FUCKING KIDS!! Don't ask if you can't even pretend to like them. I don't care if you like them, Wife doesn't care. We aren't naming them "Sparkle" or "Cinnamon" or even "Infiniti" to just list a few names of people I met last week!

I don't know. I'm sure I'm way too uptight about it but I seriously don't get people some times. I'm not going to let it bother me because let's be honest. Our kids are going to have two moms, no dads, and they are going to go to school in a tutu and a hard hat if they want to. If I want to name my boy Sue and my girl Peter people are just going to have to get in line to give me shit about it. 

Seriously though. We picked the best names ever. 

We have been joking that our slowly aging dog have been preparing us for the incoming twins.

We have two small boy dogs, one is a 14 1/2 Shih Tsu and is in reasonably good health. However, he requires a very special diet to prevent formation of kidney stones. He also has GERD or something similar and is prone to random vomiting attacks. Imagine, blissfully sleeping in your bed when from the depths of the blankets you hear an erking noise. ::erk::erk::: Your pregnant wife whips back the covers and grabs the small furry, retching monster and holding him against her chest, sits up. Or tries to. She is now beached on the bed like a turtle on its shell with a heaving dog on her chest. After several attempts, involving all eight limbs waving frantically, she finally managed to get up and thrust him in the bathtub before he vomits. Repeat this any time, day or night. So we try to give him Pepcid a few times a week and this seems to help. He also has allergies and we often find him chewing on his feet, so he also gets Benadryl.  He's also a crier. He will start screaming, crying, howling, what-have-you, for no apparent reason at any given time; even the middle of the night, while snuggled up to my ear!

Our other guy is a 13 1/2  PomChi and has quite a few issues. He's got COPD and CHF (basically old man asthma and heart failure). For this he gets to take 3-5 meds 2-3 times a day depending on how he's feeling. He gets up, on average, 3 times a night. Either because he has to get up to pee, needs water, or wakes himself up coughing.  He now has stress incontinence from coughing and has to wear a diaper at night to keep him from wetting the bed. Nothing like waking up and realize you are laying in a puddle of pee, and it's not yours!  We've also learned we have to close the bedroom door if he's going to wear the diaper. Or else, he runs out the dog door and tries to pee on every bush he can find.... And thoroughly fills his diaper!

All this also involves coaxing a couple of very stubborn old dogs into taking pills 1-4 times a day. And let me tell you it is no fun!  We were just putting them in the PomChi's food bowl for a while. He always eats like it's his last meal so he usually scarfs it down... This worked for about a year. Recently he started spitting the pills out in his bowl, on the floor, or even UNDER his placemat!! Now he has even gotten to the point where he won't even eat all his kibble and leaves a few pieces mixed in with the pills!  He won't eat cheese anymore because we were using that to give him the pills. We can't get him to eat lunch meat anymore, or ketchup!  

The latest attempt to get him to take his pills involved making homemade dog treats. We subscribe to a subscription service, BarkBox (https://barkbox.com/r/VEBCT3QBKQ) They sent us a treat mix so I tried it! It made 1 tsp sized meatballs for the small dogs and they LOVED them. 

Which brings us to the next "training-for-babies" adventure. It's 4am, PomChi wakes us up coughing. I decide he needs an extra lasix pill.  The two of us go to the kitchen and I stuff one in a meatball and give it to him and start walking to the bathroom. (I've learned to pee while I can, multitasking ftw!). As I make my way about halfway across the house I hear a coughgagsnort noise that I have never hear Mr. PomChi make before and go running back into the kitchen. He is standing in the middle of the kitchen sort of retching but making no noise and looking terrified. I run across the kitchen and briefly think "can you Heimlich a dog?" As I wrap my hands around his belly and forcefully and quickly squeeze. "Tthhbbbt" says one end and out pops a complete slobbery meatball from the other! "Omg I just squeezed my dog till he farted!" I tuck this away as I comfort my dog and make sure he's ok. He proceeds to pay down, spread-eagle in his "trying to hold on to the world" position for the next 20 minutes. No amount of pets or cooing could make him budge. "NO MORE MEATBALLS FOR THE DOGS!!" I yell across the house.  Once it was clear he was fine I started giggling.

 "What?" Wife wanted to know. 

 "I squeezed him till he farted!"

More giggling. And I start thinking. Hmm you know how your not supposed to give peanuts and hotdogs and other round things to young toddlers or they... Choke... Ya   Meatballs should be on that list too!  

More prepping us for babies...

New frontier of blogging

Since releasing my blog on Facebook I have had an overwhelming response. My page views went from about 65 total (mostly all me and probably a few spyders) to over 1500 in 24 hours!  I'm awed and glad. Part of the reason for me releasing it was to answer questions that everyone has even if they don't know it. I am happy to see people sharing my blog on their wall but it's also kinda terrifying!  Thankfully all the responses on the blog and FB have been very favorable and that has definitely made the decision to share easier. However, a part of me feels as if I have lost my black hole of privacy to scream obscenities into.  Because of that I have debated about today's post. About if I should talk about what has been running around my head and how much I should share. Needless to say there are some aspects of my life, orientation and identity that are still very private and so I struggle with which to share now and which to withhold, despite my desire to educate.  So a different experience all together. 

We'll see how far we get. 

Breastfeeding. Normal pregnancy topic no?  Clearly as a medical provider I am very pro-breastfeeding.  I mean, it's free, it's a weight loss program, it comes in awesome packages and it's a perfect compound of nutrition and antibodies! What's not to love?!  

Normally a mother has two boobs, one baby. This lends to the thought process that two babies would need four boobs. Hey look! We've got four boobs. Problem is, most healthy women can't spontaneously lactate on command. So I jumped on the internet and look for solutions for "inducing lactation without being pregnant". Would you believe there is a huge void of medical knowledge regarding this topic. In fact, it's not really considered kosher for any kind of medically induced lactation. What there IS a huge amount of information about is in the....umm... Special interest community?  I shit you not a majority of the websites that come up have nothing to do with babies but are how-to guides for "couples lactation"...  And, as it turns out, they were exceedingly helpful. 

Unfortunately, after quite a bit of research an some soul searching, it turns out I am NOT ok with the idea of breastfeeding.  I think it stems from the same part of me that has NO desire to be pregnant even though I want progeny. So after a serious conversation with Wife, of which she was fantastically supportive, we've decided each child will have to do with their own personal, singular boob.  Hopefully both boobs will be up to the task because if not I'm going to feel like a shitty mom if I can't step up to the plate. 

In other news OB appt today went well! No US :-( but we got to hear both heart beats. 144 and 132 for baby A and B! Never get tired of that!!  Maybe if work goes well Wife can come to work and we can get some pictures!! :-). Otherwise I have the weekend off and we might find a way. 

Going public

So I have received numerous questions over the past year about the intricacies of same-sex marriage, same sex parenting and what the big deal is.   Since 'coming out' about our pregnancy online and at work I've happily had these conversations almost daily.  Ive decided that my friends and family are interested and don't know a lot about this topic. I also figure that for every person who has asked there are probably several who haven't felt comfortable enough. So, I'm introducing the world to what was a very private blog. Hopefully I haven't written anything too embarrassing as I had intended to show this to my children or family.   This is not done in an effort to not talk about this. Quite the contrary. I'm hoping it will help people to talk about it MORE. Talk about it with me, with your family, your neighbor, your congressmen. 

For those interested in what the big deal is with same-sex marriage, and what's the big deal now that DOMA's repealed (isn't it all legal now):

The original passing of the Defense Of Marriage Act made it illegal for same sex marriages to be recognized on a FEDERAL LEVEL. So the repeal of DOMA made these same-sex marriages legal in the eyes of the federal government. It was huge. But not huge enough.  

Go back 20,30,50 years, ignore same-sex marriages. There is no federal statute that requires individual states to recognize the marriages of couples from other individual states. In fact, the federal government has always said it was up to each state to offer reciprocity.  In general we have always used the federal Full Faith and Credit clause of the constitution which basically requires states to recognize legal documents, evidence, criminal laws from other states. This is why, if you get married in Texas and move to Illinois, you don't have to get married again.  However, like in the 1960's when states stopped offering marriage reciprocity to interracial marriages, states currently are not offering reciprocity to same-sex marriages. Especially if they have a same-sex marriage ban. 

Fast forward. Now the federal government has repealed DOMA and the federal government has recognized our marriage!  This is HUGE!  We are now able to file our federal (not state) tax returns as married!! Which provided us with a huge tax refund!  Spouses are now able to get social security benefits and death benefits, military families get military housing and death benefits, this is a big deal!  BUT my state still does not have to honor our marriage and we still have to file separately. 

In addition to the tax refund by filing joint, my work (a national company so not held by state laws) is now offering to insure my wife!! They are offering 'full benefits to "federally recognized spouses"'. This is also going to save us hugely as we have been paying >$6,000/year to privately insure her. 

How this affects us as parents.  As we've talked about before, we used reciprocal IVF. This means the babies are biologically mine and they are growing in Wife. In our state we have 'assumed parentage' which means when Wife delivers, if she delivers in our state, babies come out with her name on their birth certificate. Because they came out of her. Because they don't honor same-sex marriages, I cannot go on the birth certificate. 

Now is when I get asked about 'what do people do with surrogates?'.  Well, in our state you can get a 'prebirth order' which is a legal document stating that everyone involved agrees that the baby will be the child of the biological parents.  The child is born bad the birth certificate has the surrogate mothers name on it, then the biological parents 'sue' to have their names put on the birth certificate and the prebirth order helps prove everyone's intention should anything go wrong. 

Two reasons why we can't use this:  1. We are not legally married in our state so getting on a birth certificate is almost impossible as even if we get a friendly nurse or doctor to fill it out that way, the state would likely change it. Yes, i know you don't have to be married to be on a birth certificate, but the only way states have allowed two people of the same sex to be on a birth certificate is if try were married. I can't just simply put my name as the Father, even if my friends refer to me as the 'Baby Daddy'. 

2. Our state does not allow same-sex adoption. This means that if the kids are born here, I can't even adopt my children that are biologically mine. And I certainly wouldn't be able to adopt them WITH Wife!!  Ugh. 

Plus we want our lives to be as normal as they can be. We are both their parents so we BOTH want to be on the birth certificate. Like all the other straight parents get to!! You know?!

(Whoa attack of the tiny font???!)

Our best scenario is that, if everything goes well with the kids, we plan a time to pack up and go to a state where there is marriage equality (like where we got married) and have the kids there so we are BOTH on the birth certificates.  This is wrought with complications. Not the least of which is trying to predict when TWINS are going to be born!!  Add to that, that I can't afford to take much time off, so if they recommend we head out at 30 weeks and don't know if the kids will come for the next 1 or 8 weeks... I can't stay, I'll have to go back home to work!  And hope I get enough heads-up that I can make it back to NY!! I REALLY don't want to miss the birth of my kids! Wife would KILL me!!

So, hopefully, that gives you a little idea of 'a day in the life of a gay', and exactly what little things that advance equality mean. How little AND how much. 

Off to a bad start

Woke up this morning to a phone call. Not only had we missed an OB appointment but I was late for a teaching appointment as well!  Luckily we were able to reschedule the OB for tomorrow and they weren't too mad (I hope). I feel like between Primary care docs, OBs, maternal-fetal medicine (high risk OB docs) massage therapists and dentists, I have more appointments Than I can keep straight (clearly!). I even had the appointments in my calendar, I just didn't check when I went to bed last night!

Speaking of MFM appointments. We had our first one 2 weeks ago. All in all, generally good news. It looks like the babies are all the right size for age and seem to have all their parts. They are girls!!  The only bump in the road is one of the girls had a two vessel cord.   I of course freaked out inside immediately.  The doc seemed to be not too freaked out. He said it is a risk factor for some genetic abnormalities, but since all the body parts look normal, he wouldn't really recommend any further testing and would just monitor closely to make sure that baby grows at the same rate as the other baby. 

Oh good something else to worry about. Have you noticed I'm a worrier?  I can't help it, comes with the territory. 

More important! Pictures! Nice pretty HD ones!!

Baby A was much more cooperative with pictures but they got pretty much anything they were looking for. 

We have another OB appt tomorrow and another MFM appointment in about 6 weeks. By then I think we'll have a good idea if the 2-vessel cord is going to be an issue. ::crosses fingers::

Everything out in the open

So, officially told the boss yesterday.

They knew we were pregnant and had 'heard rumors' about the twins. But yesterday I had a (very tardy) semi annual evaluation and one of the main things we talked about was the pregnancy and birth plan.  

We haven't really told many people, but the dcision we settled with was to try to have the kids in another state. We know this isn't the easiest plan and has some opportunity for serious conplications, and it might not even work! But it is the plan that we both feel the most comfortable with. 

To back up again. Our state does not have same-sex adoption or support same-sex marriage. We also have 'presumed parentage'. This means that whatever woman the baby comes out of is the mother. This gets complicated in cases of surrogacy, where the birth parents actually have to sue to get their names on the birth certificate, even if anyone is in agreement!  The problem is, I can't legally adopt a child if I am in a same-sex relationship!   They are BIOLOGICALLY MY CHILDREN and I can't even ADOPT them!!

So you see our conundrum. 

So, instead of being able to stay home until the day the babies decide to come, we have to try to predict their due date. Or risk driving across the country and have her go into labor. We may end up being separated for weeks, I may miss the both of my kids. None of this makes me happy. All of it makes me scared. 

Very briefly today I allowed myself to get excited/optimistic. Bad move. Today in my state, a judge ha agreed to hear a case against the same-sex marriage ban and the ban against same-sex adoption. In fact, the original law suit was merely for same-sex adoption, but the judge actually asked them to add same-sex marriage to the complaint. This was very promising as we hoped both these issues would maybe get solved at te same time. People were optimistic enough they were actually making lists of civic clerks that were willing to start performing marriages as soon as the judge issues his (favorable) ruling.  They had planned on the state to issue a stay on the ruling, but people were getting in line to get married 'during the likely fee hors between the ruling and the stay'. Unfortunately, everyone was a bit too optimistic. The judge's ruling... Was that he wasn't going to make a ruling. Instead he will have a 'trial' to take place in 4.5 months. Well after the kids are born.  Oh well, maybe next time!!!

In other news, a HUGE step forward!  My VERY CATHOLIC employer (national hospital company) has decided to offer benefits in line with 'federally recognized spouses'!!! This is going to save us more than $6,000/year!!! Not to mention, if something happens and we have the kids in Michigan and I don't get on the birth certificate, we may be able to insure them as well!!  That can get very expensive!

Well I'm falling asleep so off I go for another day.  Another US this week!!