Going public

So I have received numerous questions over the past year about the intricacies of same-sex marriage, same sex parenting and what the big deal is.   Since 'coming out' about our pregnancy online and at work I've happily had these conversations almost daily.  Ive decided that my friends and family are interested and don't know a lot about this topic. I also figure that for every person who has asked there are probably several who haven't felt comfortable enough. So, I'm introducing the world to what was a very private blog. Hopefully I haven't written anything too embarrassing as I had intended to show this to my children or family.   This is not done in an effort to not talk about this. Quite the contrary. I'm hoping it will help people to talk about it MORE. Talk about it with me, with your family, your neighbor, your congressmen. 

For those interested in what the big deal is with same-sex marriage, and what's the big deal now that DOMA's repealed (isn't it all legal now):

The original passing of the Defense Of Marriage Act made it illegal for same sex marriages to be recognized on a FEDERAL LEVEL. So the repeal of DOMA made these same-sex marriages legal in the eyes of the federal government. It was huge. But not huge enough.  

Go back 20,30,50 years, ignore same-sex marriages. There is no federal statute that requires individual states to recognize the marriages of couples from other individual states. In fact, the federal government has always said it was up to each state to offer reciprocity.  In general we have always used the federal Full Faith and Credit clause of the constitution which basically requires states to recognize legal documents, evidence, criminal laws from other states. This is why, if you get married in Texas and move to Illinois, you don't have to get married again.  However, like in the 1960's when states stopped offering marriage reciprocity to interracial marriages, states currently are not offering reciprocity to same-sex marriages. Especially if they have a same-sex marriage ban. 

Fast forward. Now the federal government has repealed DOMA and the federal government has recognized our marriage!  This is HUGE!  We are now able to file our federal (not state) tax returns as married!! Which provided us with a huge tax refund!  Spouses are now able to get social security benefits and death benefits, military families get military housing and death benefits, this is a big deal!  BUT my state still does not have to honor our marriage and we still have to file separately. 

In addition to the tax refund by filing joint, my work (a national company so not held by state laws) is now offering to insure my wife!! They are offering 'full benefits to "federally recognized spouses"'. This is also going to save us hugely as we have been paying >$6,000/year to privately insure her. 

How this affects us as parents.  As we've talked about before, we used reciprocal IVF. This means the babies are biologically mine and they are growing in Wife. In our state we have 'assumed parentage' which means when Wife delivers, if she delivers in our state, babies come out with her name on their birth certificate. Because they came out of her. Because they don't honor same-sex marriages, I cannot go on the birth certificate. 

Now is when I get asked about 'what do people do with surrogates?'.  Well, in our state you can get a 'prebirth order' which is a legal document stating that everyone involved agrees that the baby will be the child of the biological parents.  The child is born bad the birth certificate has the surrogate mothers name on it, then the biological parents 'sue' to have their names put on the birth certificate and the prebirth order helps prove everyone's intention should anything go wrong. 

Two reasons why we can't use this:  1. We are not legally married in our state so getting on a birth certificate is almost impossible as even if we get a friendly nurse or doctor to fill it out that way, the state would likely change it. Yes, i know you don't have to be married to be on a birth certificate, but the only way states have allowed two people of the same sex to be on a birth certificate is if try were married. I can't just simply put my name as the Father, even if my friends refer to me as the 'Baby Daddy'. 

2. Our state does not allow same-sex adoption. This means that if the kids are born here, I can't even adopt my children that are biologically mine. And I certainly wouldn't be able to adopt them WITH Wife!!  Ugh. 

Plus we want our lives to be as normal as they can be. We are both their parents so we BOTH want to be on the birth certificate. Like all the other straight parents get to!! You know?!

(Whoa attack of the tiny font???!)

Our best scenario is that, if everything goes well with the kids, we plan a time to pack up and go to a state where there is marriage equality (like where we got married) and have the kids there so we are BOTH on the birth certificates.  This is wrought with complications. Not the least of which is trying to predict when TWINS are going to be born!!  Add to that, that I can't afford to take much time off, so if they recommend we head out at 30 weeks and don't know if the kids will come for the next 1 or 8 weeks... I can't stay, I'll have to go back home to work!  And hope I get enough heads-up that I can make it back to NY!! I REALLY don't want to miss the birth of my kids! Wife would KILL me!!

So, hopefully, that gives you a little idea of 'a day in the life of a gay', and exactly what little things that advance equality mean. How little AND how much.