We got a phone call about an hour after we had gotten home.
We had come home after a nice leisurely lunch and then drive back from Wife's procedure, which took place about an hour from home. We got into bed (I work nights) and got out a laptop and starting to pick out a 'Baby Daddy'. We very seriously had it narrowed down to a few and probably would have made a decision shortly when my phone rang. When I didn't answer it, Wife's phone rang. The messages merely said 'please return call'. Very matter of fact with no information. Ominous. When we called back we were told. 'Wife. Your blood work was no good and we have to stop the cycle.' I am to go back on birth control pills and Wife has to get into the office as soon as possible. They don't know why it's bad or what possibly could go wrong. The concern is that her uterus won't be ready to carry a kid and we would lose the baby after everything.
Disappointment. Understatement of the year. Too many questions. No answers. After we hung up and I napped I woke up suddenly thinking. 'Will Wife have to have today's procedure all over again in a month'. Thy kept telling us the xerox has a 'memory of one month'. Now what?
I know the Wife is devastated. She thinks it is her fault. I'm not sure I can say anything to convince her otherwise. All I know is: back to the drawing board. See what next week brings us. Keep on keeping on.
Friday, April 26, 2013
OR again
So wife's procedure/surgery is this morning.
Because of her cervical stenosis, the opening of her uterus is completely shut. Because of this there is no way for sperm or, in our case, an embryo to get in for her to be pregnant. She was unable to have her ultrasound that 'checks out the real estate'. Today she is having a 'cervical dilatation and hysteroscopy'. That is he is going to use successively larger metal rods to make a new opening in her cervix, and then once inside he will place a small camera inside and visually inspect the uterus to make sure everything is ok to implant an embryo.
Wide is really nervous. I don't blame her. She's had quite a few surgeries in her life and very nearly died a few years ago after one surgery in particular so she gets anxious in hospitals. The nice thing is, that this procedure is done in more of an office setting so I think that helped. But she still was starting to get nervous when we waited longer than expected.
She's in the OR now, shouldn't take very long but I thought I'd give a brief update.
Because of her cervical stenosis, the opening of her uterus is completely shut. Because of this there is no way for sperm or, in our case, an embryo to get in for her to be pregnant. She was unable to have her ultrasound that 'checks out the real estate'. Today she is having a 'cervical dilatation and hysteroscopy'. That is he is going to use successively larger metal rods to make a new opening in her cervix, and then once inside he will place a small camera inside and visually inspect the uterus to make sure everything is ok to implant an embryo.
Wide is really nervous. I don't blame her. She's had quite a few surgeries in her life and very nearly died a few years ago after one surgery in particular so she gets anxious in hospitals. The nice thing is, that this procedure is done in more of an office setting so I think that helped. But she still was starting to get nervous when we waited longer than expected.
She's in the OR now, shouldn't take very long but I thought I'd give a brief update.
Don't mess with Momma bear
Yesterday started off like a normal day. Shopping for clothes for a family wedding this summer, etc.
Wife's procedure was schedule for today so we wanted to call and make sure everything was 'in order' and to confirm our medications. I was schedule to start medications today and we wanted to make sure that I did not start until after her procedure.
Quickly into the conversation it became apparent that there had been a miscommunication, or non communication. I ha started my period earlier than they had anticipated and the nurse was suddenly concerned we might have missed our window for starting medications.
Suddenly we are making an impromptu stop to the office on the way into work. A quick blood draw and ultrasound later and she tells my ovaries are 'exactly what we like to see' with six follicles already! She assures me this does not mean we will only get 6 eggs!
What started as a relatively pleasant, down-right relieving appointment quickly soured.
In apparent small talk the nurse asked if we had a chance to talk with the lawyer she had recommended. We stated we had and briefly relayed our disappointing and uninformative conversation we had with the lawyer.
Here is where things went bad. To make a long, very painful conversation, short, she basically made some very overt discriminatory remarks, and then threatened to hold our embryos hostage. She stated that unless we provided her with a signed document from us and a lawyer stating SOMETHING and she wasn't even sure WHAT it needed to say, she was going to 'keep your embryos frozen 'until this all gets sorted out'.
I asked her if she asked all her couples to sign these affidavits. She stated 'oh yes I've had three we far'. This caused me to ask if she'd only had three surrogate cases, or only 3 egg donor cases. She says 'of course not, we've had dozens'. When I asked why only three were asked to sign affidavits, she stated 'well in special cases like yours'. I asked her a few times to explain 'special cases'. This appear to confuse her because she hemmed and hawed quite a bit until Wife stated 'I think she means same-sex honey'. The look on her face confirmed this. I stated to her. 'So you are discriminating against us because we are a same sex couple'. She says 'of course I'm not discriminating, that's not what I'm talking about'. To which I stated 'if you are threatening to hold my unborn babies hostage until I sign for you, a form that you only require same-sex couples to sign, then, yes, that's discrimination'.
This went on for a few more minutes and then she continued to back peddle and informed me 'I don't want to speak for the doctor, that's not what I'm doing. Maybe I should call him now". I told her she should probably do that and we promptly left as I was late for work.
About 40 minutes later the nurse called Wife. She notably did not apologize for her behavior or words, but she did state that our doctor had no reservations and we were still done to go ahead. In fact, I was to start meds that afternoon. So now, we are almost back to our original schedule!
Wife brought my meds to work and I, as covertly as possible, have them to myself. I had no problems with the injection itself. About 1-2 hours later I developed the most severe headache of my life. And nauseated, and a hot flash. Good lord. It took several hours before I got enough medications in me to calm that raging migraine. I looked up the meds Brevette and Menopur and they each have SEVERAL mentions as headaches and migraines being side effects. AWESOME!
At least it's only 10 days of These meds. I can do anything for 10 days!
Wife's procedure was schedule for today so we wanted to call and make sure everything was 'in order' and to confirm our medications. I was schedule to start medications today and we wanted to make sure that I did not start until after her procedure.
Quickly into the conversation it became apparent that there had been a miscommunication, or non communication. I ha started my period earlier than they had anticipated and the nurse was suddenly concerned we might have missed our window for starting medications.
Suddenly we are making an impromptu stop to the office on the way into work. A quick blood draw and ultrasound later and she tells my ovaries are 'exactly what we like to see' with six follicles already! She assures me this does not mean we will only get 6 eggs!
What started as a relatively pleasant, down-right relieving appointment quickly soured.
In apparent small talk the nurse asked if we had a chance to talk with the lawyer she had recommended. We stated we had and briefly relayed our disappointing and uninformative conversation we had with the lawyer.
Here is where things went bad. To make a long, very painful conversation, short, she basically made some very overt discriminatory remarks, and then threatened to hold our embryos hostage. She stated that unless we provided her with a signed document from us and a lawyer stating SOMETHING and she wasn't even sure WHAT it needed to say, she was going to 'keep your embryos frozen 'until this all gets sorted out'.
I asked her if she asked all her couples to sign these affidavits. She stated 'oh yes I've had three we far'. This caused me to ask if she'd only had three surrogate cases, or only 3 egg donor cases. She says 'of course not, we've had dozens'. When I asked why only three were asked to sign affidavits, she stated 'well in special cases like yours'. I asked her a few times to explain 'special cases'. This appear to confuse her because she hemmed and hawed quite a bit until Wife stated 'I think she means same-sex honey'. The look on her face confirmed this. I stated to her. 'So you are discriminating against us because we are a same sex couple'. She says 'of course I'm not discriminating, that's not what I'm talking about'. To which I stated 'if you are threatening to hold my unborn babies hostage until I sign for you, a form that you only require same-sex couples to sign, then, yes, that's discrimination'.
This went on for a few more minutes and then she continued to back peddle and informed me 'I don't want to speak for the doctor, that's not what I'm doing. Maybe I should call him now". I told her she should probably do that and we promptly left as I was late for work.
About 40 minutes later the nurse called Wife. She notably did not apologize for her behavior or words, but she did state that our doctor had no reservations and we were still done to go ahead. In fact, I was to start meds that afternoon. So now, we are almost back to our original schedule!
Wife brought my meds to work and I, as covertly as possible, have them to myself. I had no problems with the injection itself. About 1-2 hours later I developed the most severe headache of my life. And nauseated, and a hot flash. Good lord. It took several hours before I got enough medications in me to calm that raging migraine. I looked up the meds Brevette and Menopur and they each have SEVERAL mentions as headaches and migraines being side effects. AWESOME!
At least it's only 10 days of These meds. I can do anything for 10 days!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
More let downs. Fear.
I called a lawyer yesterday and set up a telephone meeting for this afternoon. We had some questions regarding the paperwork we were filling out at the IVF clinic; maternity, legal parenting rights etc.
The lawyer was recommended by the fertility clinic and when I looked him up, he specializes on family and reproductive law. I saw this as a benefit, but did notice that he did not mention anything on his website about same-sex rights or LGBT.
After our telephone conversation I was devastated, scared. Basically what he said is that I was basically giving up any rights to this child. In my state, which does not recognize my marriage, we have "assumed parentage". This basically says that whoever the child comes out of is the mother, and whoever she I married to us the father, regardless of biology or genetics. Since they don't recognize my marriage, the kid will be the wife's, since she is carrying the kid, and I, am screwed. According to the lawyer.
The only upside is; he seemed to think Michigan does not grant Second-Parent adoptions, and we know (think) they do. And he seemed to think that there was do such think as a co-parenting agreement. He also did not suggest co-guardianship.
So, I emailed lambda legal and another LGBT friendly firm in our state asking for help and referrals.
The wife and I have had a halfhearted discussion about giving birth in a state where you can have both moms on the birth certificate. Today, we had a more serious one. It's an option that gives us what we want: recognition that both of us are the kid's parents, and security in the event that something happens to one of us or the kid. The only states I know of that offer parent-parent birth certificates are California and Iowa. My research hasn't been exhaustive but neither of these states is a hop or a skip away. Also, I don't really know the ramifications of just showing up in JoeBlowville in California, in labor, not beig a resident etc etc. Plus, babies happen when they happen, it's very hard to plan that stuff. AND, are you going to have prenatal care with an OB for seven months and then just have some random person you never met, down there in your nether regions? All for a stupid piece of paper?? Maybe...
I just don't know what to do.
I guess right now I wait till summer and see if the Supreme Court delivers an answer to all our prayers. I don't think it will be that easy.
The lawyer was recommended by the fertility clinic and when I looked him up, he specializes on family and reproductive law. I saw this as a benefit, but did notice that he did not mention anything on his website about same-sex rights or LGBT.
After our telephone conversation I was devastated, scared. Basically what he said is that I was basically giving up any rights to this child. In my state, which does not recognize my marriage, we have "assumed parentage". This basically says that whoever the child comes out of is the mother, and whoever she I married to us the father, regardless of biology or genetics. Since they don't recognize my marriage, the kid will be the wife's, since she is carrying the kid, and I, am screwed. According to the lawyer.
The only upside is; he seemed to think Michigan does not grant Second-Parent adoptions, and we know (think) they do. And he seemed to think that there was do such think as a co-parenting agreement. He also did not suggest co-guardianship.
So, I emailed lambda legal and another LGBT friendly firm in our state asking for help and referrals.
The wife and I have had a halfhearted discussion about giving birth in a state where you can have both moms on the birth certificate. Today, we had a more serious one. It's an option that gives us what we want: recognition that both of us are the kid's parents, and security in the event that something happens to one of us or the kid. The only states I know of that offer parent-parent birth certificates are California and Iowa. My research hasn't been exhaustive but neither of these states is a hop or a skip away. Also, I don't really know the ramifications of just showing up in JoeBlowville in California, in labor, not beig a resident etc etc. Plus, babies happen when they happen, it's very hard to plan that stuff. AND, are you going to have prenatal care with an OB for seven months and then just have some random person you never met, down there in your nether regions? All for a stupid piece of paper?? Maybe...
I just don't know what to do.
I guess right now I wait till summer and see if the Supreme Court delivers an answer to all our prayers. I don't think it will be that easy.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Minor setback.
Today is not going the way it is supposed to go.
Yesterday was supposed to be my last day of birth control. Today is the wife's. We had gone out of town this weekend and elected to take our medicine out of the containers and put it in a travel box. Somehow, I forgot my birth control. I realized my error when we got home. Last night I thought about taking it but thought, "well, it doesn't matter now because I'm supposed to be finished tonight, no big deal".
Today we get a phone call. Wife's procedure is delayed till Friday. Not tomorrow. My meds which we were to stet Wednesday, are now to start Friday. And I need to take TWO MORE days of birth control pills. F@$&! Five minutes later, I shit you not, I started my period. Not to mention, I rearranged my entire work schedule around our planned med/lab work/ultrasound/procedure plan! I can't just reschedule it again!!
Crap.
So I stressed about that for a few hours at work before I resumed my normal Zen state.
The IVF people called back.
They double checked with the doc and promise everything is ok. They think everything might get pushed forward a day or two (great) but it SHOULD still be within the window of our original schedule. I can only hope at this point and try not to stress. It'll happen. It'll be fine.
On a fun note, we cleaned off the dining room table and set out ALL our meds and labeled them all with when we start them and how we take them.
There are a lot of meds and its a little confusing. We both have some medical knowledge. I can't imagine how people with no medical background would feel!!
Yesterday was supposed to be my last day of birth control. Today is the wife's. We had gone out of town this weekend and elected to take our medicine out of the containers and put it in a travel box. Somehow, I forgot my birth control. I realized my error when we got home. Last night I thought about taking it but thought, "well, it doesn't matter now because I'm supposed to be finished tonight, no big deal".
Today we get a phone call. Wife's procedure is delayed till Friday. Not tomorrow. My meds which we were to stet Wednesday, are now to start Friday. And I need to take TWO MORE days of birth control pills. F@$&! Five minutes later, I shit you not, I started my period. Not to mention, I rearranged my entire work schedule around our planned med/lab work/ultrasound/procedure plan! I can't just reschedule it again!!
Crap.
So I stressed about that for a few hours at work before I resumed my normal Zen state.
The IVF people called back.
They double checked with the doc and promise everything is ok. They think everything might get pushed forward a day or two (great) but it SHOULD still be within the window of our original schedule. I can only hope at this point and try not to stress. It'll happen. It'll be fine.
On a fun note, we cleaned off the dining room table and set out ALL our meds and labeled them all with when we start them and how we take them.
There are a lot of meds and its a little confusing. We both have some medical knowledge. I can't imagine how people with no medical background would feel!!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Set Back
Today we both had our ultrasounds to "check the real estate" as my wife says. The good news is: I have a fantastic uterus (not that we are using it but good to know its healthy). The bad news: my wife's ovaries are not in very good shape (not that we are planning on using them) and her uterus itself looked fine, but her cervix is totally closed and he couldn't pass a catheter into the uterus. This will become a problem when he tries to implant the embryos because there is no way to get the embryos "IN".
Good news: Better we find out now, before we have embryos sitting in a petri dish looking for a home. Bad news: Wife is going to have to have a surgical procedure to open up the cervix so there is a way to get the embryos in their new home.
Wife was pretty devastated. No one wants to hear that they are less than perfect. No one wants to hear that their body is broken. I feel bad. I feel bad that I'm secretly relieved that the parts we want still work. I know that I would feel worse if we found out her uterus would not work at all. I don't know that I would be able to step up and carry, even knowing that it would be much much cheaper. I feel bad because I'm secretly relieved that my ovaries look "fantastic" and I know I would be absolutely devastated if we couldn't use my eggs. I feel like a bad person for having these feelings. Like it shouldn't matter. But that's why we are perfect. We want what the other person wants, or in this case, what the other person doesn't want.
So now we have to push our meds back a few days. Not enough to alter our harvest or implantation date. I've been assured. But just enough so they can do the procedure.
So. April 19th Wife gets big injection of Lupron, apparently this will prevent her from making eggs and help make her body ready for her other medications.
April 23rd the dilation and then we start my medications! Watch out world I'm about to get hormonal!!!
Good news: Better we find out now, before we have embryos sitting in a petri dish looking for a home. Bad news: Wife is going to have to have a surgical procedure to open up the cervix so there is a way to get the embryos in their new home.
Wife was pretty devastated. No one wants to hear that they are less than perfect. No one wants to hear that their body is broken. I feel bad. I feel bad that I'm secretly relieved that the parts we want still work. I know that I would feel worse if we found out her uterus would not work at all. I don't know that I would be able to step up and carry, even knowing that it would be much much cheaper. I feel bad because I'm secretly relieved that my ovaries look "fantastic" and I know I would be absolutely devastated if we couldn't use my eggs. I feel like a bad person for having these feelings. Like it shouldn't matter. But that's why we are perfect. We want what the other person wants, or in this case, what the other person doesn't want.
So now we have to push our meds back a few days. Not enough to alter our harvest or implantation date. I've been assured. But just enough so they can do the procedure.
So. April 19th Wife gets big injection of Lupron, apparently this will prevent her from making eggs and help make her body ready for her other medications.
April 23rd the dilation and then we start my medications! Watch out world I'm about to get hormonal!!!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
We're TRYING!!
Ever notice how couples say they are "trying" to get pregnant. And what that really means is, their having sex a whole lot and seem to want to tell you about it? Well, my wife and I have been "trying" to get pregnant for two years, and it just hasn't "happened".
Now, some of you might say that no matter how hard we "try" it just isn't going to happen. Some might say "If you introduce some sperm into the equation, things might work out better for you." But we aren't letting little things like that get us down. We'll keep "trying" thank you very much.
Well, we might be trying, but we're not stupid. We need some serious help if we are going to join the ranks of parents out there. So we have enlisted the help of some "professionals".
Back in Aug of 2012, we set up an appointment with a local REI (Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility) doc in town. We established exactly what we wanted and how we were going to do it. I have no interest in carrying, my wife is really excited by the idea of being pregnant and carrying lots of babies. I, on the other hand really want to procreate. I was joking with my wife that I have this intense, very male?, urge to "spread my seed" or what-not. As it happens, my wife really wants to carry my baby and doesn't really have a need to have her own biological children. Like everything between the two of us, it just seems to work out. We settled on a procedure called Reciprocal In vitro Fertilization, or Reciprocal IVF. They will harvest eggs from me, fertilize them with donor sperm, and then implant them into her uterus. She will carry "my" baby and then give birth. We were very excited and happy that we came to this decision very easily. Then came the matter of money. It was going to cost us roughly $12,000 + meds + office visits. Responsibly rounding up to about $18,000. Ouch. We had thought we needed maybe $10,000... Despite our best efforts, we were not going to have enough money. It was devastating but we elected to put the whole process off for a year. Save money, plan, and reconvene next fall.
Fast forward to about February of this year. Apparently, our biological clocks are ticking like CRAZY. We decided that if we saved HARD, we could come up with enough money by April. So we did. We haven't gone on any vacations, barely went food shopping, and I haven't had "time off" since Christmas. We did it, mostly. We saved everything we needed for the procedures and we would take the meds and office visit costs as they come. It's hard, most couples, all you need is a 6-pack and some Barry Manilow and BAM. No happy accidents here. Oh well.
We are very VERY excited. And terrified. I am at least. I'm scared. I know to much about what can go wrong and how devastating it would/will be for my wife, and myself. I'm scared of every complication. But still, very excited, and happy.
April 9th is our first appointment to "check out the equipment" and make sure everything is ready for go time. ::gulp::
Now, some of you might say that no matter how hard we "try" it just isn't going to happen. Some might say "If you introduce some sperm into the equation, things might work out better for you." But we aren't letting little things like that get us down. We'll keep "trying" thank you very much.
Well, we might be trying, but we're not stupid. We need some serious help if we are going to join the ranks of parents out there. So we have enlisted the help of some "professionals".
Back in Aug of 2012, we set up an appointment with a local REI (Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility) doc in town. We established exactly what we wanted and how we were going to do it. I have no interest in carrying, my wife is really excited by the idea of being pregnant and carrying lots of babies. I, on the other hand really want to procreate. I was joking with my wife that I have this intense, very male?, urge to "spread my seed" or what-not. As it happens, my wife really wants to carry my baby and doesn't really have a need to have her own biological children. Like everything between the two of us, it just seems to work out. We settled on a procedure called Reciprocal In vitro Fertilization, or Reciprocal IVF. They will harvest eggs from me, fertilize them with donor sperm, and then implant them into her uterus. She will carry "my" baby and then give birth. We were very excited and happy that we came to this decision very easily. Then came the matter of money. It was going to cost us roughly $12,000 + meds + office visits. Responsibly rounding up to about $18,000. Ouch. We had thought we needed maybe $10,000... Despite our best efforts, we were not going to have enough money. It was devastating but we elected to put the whole process off for a year. Save money, plan, and reconvene next fall.
Fast forward to about February of this year. Apparently, our biological clocks are ticking like CRAZY. We decided that if we saved HARD, we could come up with enough money by April. So we did. We haven't gone on any vacations, barely went food shopping, and I haven't had "time off" since Christmas. We did it, mostly. We saved everything we needed for the procedures and we would take the meds and office visit costs as they come. It's hard, most couples, all you need is a 6-pack and some Barry Manilow and BAM. No happy accidents here. Oh well.
We are very VERY excited. And terrified. I am at least. I'm scared. I know to much about what can go wrong and how devastating it would/will be for my wife, and myself. I'm scared of every complication. But still, very excited, and happy.
April 9th is our first appointment to "check out the equipment" and make sure everything is ready for go time. ::gulp::
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